What to Do When Your Social Circle has Problems or Collapses Completely

Posted on by elise.kautzholbrook

Having a strong social circle is important, but it can be really hard to pull off for women in their thirties and up. Our social circles provide support, understanding, and companionship. However, adult life is pretty dynamic and people come and go from our lives as a matter of course.

The Problem:

  • The people in your social circle are showing veiled animosity toward one another or disagreeing on fundamental principles
  • There’s backbiting, sniping, or other unfriendly communication
  • Your friends want your support, but aren’t supporting you back
  • If you don’t make an effort, you don’t see certain people in your circle
  • People in your circle are unwilling to compromise or admit fault in a healthy way
  • Your circle has collapsed completely

Table of Contents

Sometimes, a social circle can face challenges or even collapse completely. Whether it’s due to conflicts, changing life circumstances, or a gradual drift, the experience can range from emotionally taxing to outright heart-wrenching. This has happened to me a couple of times, and I definitely didn’t handle it well the first time around.

In this post, we’ll explore practical steps that will help you navigate through such situations and embrace rebuilding and growth as a part of life.

Having a social circle is important for human happiness

Step One: Reflect on Your Social Circle and the Situation at Hand

Before taking any action, it’s essential to reflect on the reasons behind challenges or collapse in your social circle. This can be a really hard step to take because it’s almost always an emotionally charged situation. The more emotional we feel, often the more reactive we behave. This makes total sense from an evolutionary point of view. If we are feeling bad emotions, of course we want to take action to make those feelings go away.

But sometimes, reacting too quickly or in a way that doesn’t fit the situation can make everything worse. Take some time to journal about what’s going on. Or go for a walk and work through it in your mind. Maybe make a playlist that explores the situation and your feelings about it.

At this point, it might not always be a good idea to reach out or share with a non-professional unless that person is fully removed from the situation. This will help you avoid your feelings building off of each other. If you really need to talk to someone, think about calling a friend or relative who lives out of town or who is part of a totally different social circle.

Whatever your coping mechanism, try to guide your thoughts a little bit to avoid getting stuck in an echo chamber or a loop. You can answer this questions to give your thoughts a bit of direction. Are there any specific conflicts or misunderstandings? Are they part of a larger pattern? Did life circumstances lead to a natural drift? What is the main issue and what is the root cause of it. Understanding the root causes will help you make informed decisions about how to move forward. For example, once you understand what’s going on, you can decide what you want overall instead of just responding to a single action.

And remember, it’s a lot easier to change inaction to action than the other way around, so try to avoid being reactive unless there is a significant time constraint.

Step Two: Embrace Acceptance, Responsibility, and Self-Compassion

Facing the breakdown of a social circle can be draining, particularly if the situation is complicated and it takes time to resolve. With this in mind, it is important to practice self-compassion and self-care when you have relationship turmoil in your life. One of the big challenges with conflict in a social circle is that the people we normally rely on for support are often part of the situation. They have their own heightened emotions and responses and need support themselves. They usually aren’t focused on supporting us because they are struggling, too. Try to accept that change is a part of life and that sometimes our support system is unavailable. Then take some time to support yourself.

Take a bath, go for a swim, sit on your porch, read a book, or do any number of self-care and self-compassion activities. Most importantly, acknowledge your feelings and that they are valid, whether it’s sadness, disappointment, or even rage or frustration. You might be feeling many of these and others all at the same time. You might even have conflicting feelings. Give yourself time to identify and process these emotions without judgment.

Remember, the waves are not the ocean and your emotions are not your identity. It’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. Just try not to take it out on others.

Finally, try to identify and accept any role you might play in the current situation. This isn’t about blame. It is about being honest with ourselves about who we are in our relationships and who we want to be. This helps us make decisions about how to become our best selves and build the lives we want.

Step Three: Reach Out to Another Social Circle or Individual for Support

When you experience social upheaval, it is important to avoid isolation. Family, close friends who aren’t part of the upheaval, online or virtual communities, or even professional counselors can provide a listening ear and valuable insights. Sharing your feelings can be cathartic and help you gain perspective on the who situation.

Keep in mind that reaching out to another social circle or other individuals isn’t just about processing your feelings about the turmoil. It’s about connecting. Try to avoid only venting (though, it is ok to vent), and also take time to completely remove yourself from the conflict and connect with others. Play mini-golf or an online RPG. Bake a cake with your sibling. Go for a hike with your spouse. Remind yourself there is life and connection outside of the situation of strife.

Step Four: Assess Relationships within the Social Circle Individually

Often when something goes wrong with a social circle, it’s easy to see the whole group as a single entity, sort of like a hive mind. But make sure you take the time to evaluate each relationship within your social circle individually. The main reason it’s worth taking the time to do this is because some conflicts may be resolved through open communication, while others may require acceptance and moving on.

In fact, sometimes we attribute the behavior of one person to another because we mentally grouped them together. The unfortunate side effect of this is that we might move on from two relationships when, really, we could have save one of them.

One overwhelming urge I have any time I run into this problem is to try to figure out where everyone’s loyalties lie, which is really unfair to my friends. If I’m struggling with one friend, I might ask another one for their opinion. Sometimes, this is valid perspective checking on my part, but sometimes, I’m just looking for validation and to hear that the second friend is on my side.

This is not healthy, though it probably is understandable. We all want to know that when push comes to shove, our friends will stand with us. That being said, it puts the second friend in a truly terrible position. So instead of doing this, I recommend you work with the information you have. Evaluate each relationship and the actions and words of each friend separately and not within the social circle. I

f you need to talk through your thoughts about each relationship, that’s ok! Just try to reach out to someone outside the problem. Not only will this give you a fresh perspective, but it will protect your current relationships during a time of vulnerability for everyone.

Step Five: Initiate Honest Conversations within Your Social Circle

This is where the rubber meets the road. In my experience, there are roughly three types of people at this point in situation. First, there are people who avoid this stage completely and simply don’t deal directly with the folks in their social circle. Second, there those who jump the gun and get a little too confrontational too early. Third, there are people who handle this step with care and empathy, but who don’t avoid the thorny points of friction.

Try to identify your tendencies and plan around them. I know that I can be overly confrontational (thanks, Law School), so I try to force myself to wait until I have a clear head as much as possible.

Otherwise, I run over the top of the other people in my social circle in order to avoid getting run over myself. This can be a great tactic in the courtroom, but is not helpful when it comes to salvaging relationships. I’m working on this tendency, but I know it will take time to overcome, so for now, I work around it.

For the relationships worth salvaging, consider initiating honest and empathetic conversations. Address the situation and the issues openly, clearly expressing your feelings and concerns. It might help to actually journal about this conversation before you have it. And make sure you listen actively, not just to respond to what the other person is saying. Really take in their perspective and work together to find common ground. Healthy relationships involve people who take responsibility, but sometimes this can look like us taking on too much of the blame. Try to be as honest as possible about recognizing your own role and nothing more.

And as soon as possible, move the discussion to a solution. It is important to hash out the underlying concerns, but being solution-focused shows the other person that you aren’t interested in playing the blame game, just in moving forward in a healthy way. These types of conversations take practice and reflection, but it is definitely worth doing.

Effective communication can be a powerful tool in resolving social circle conflicts and maintaining friendships. And remember, quality friendships are essential for human happiness.

You can read more about having difficult conversations here.

Step Six: Explore New Interests or Hobbies

One of the biggest challenges we face when we’re dealing with a shrinking social circle, is a sudden abundance of time we might not have had before. Try to use this opportunity to explore new interests and hobbies. Remember, the goal isn’t mastery of something new, it’s to do the activity for the love of it and the experience.

If you’ve never painted, try a sip and paint class (even if you don’t drink alcohol, the atmosphere is fun and you can drink water, coffee, soda, or tea.) Or try an afternoon of rock climbing at your local YMCA. Try a water aerobics class or take up guitar. In fact, taking up a musical instrument is great for your brain health and will help you build new relationships. Take a cooking class or join an online book club. Bake a cake, following along with your favorite YouTuber. Get into a new television series and discuss with it people online or with family. Write a short story or take a ballet or kickboxing class.

Don’t be afraid to ask yourself what you’ve always wanted to try and then go for it. This not only provides an avenue to meet new people, but also adds purpose and fulfillment to your life with very little obligation.

Step Seven: Attend Social Events

This one is actually really hard for me. I don’t like socializing without some kind of purpose or goal, but this one can be really helpful. Gatherings, parties, or community events can open you up to forming connections organically.

Don’t be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone and keep in mind that these connections don’t have to be life-long. There is value in any positive interaction, even one so simple as talking with your regular barista about their week.

Step Eight: Utilize Online Communities

People have different opinions about using online platforms as a way to connect with other people, but virtual communities actually date back to the late 1800s and early 1900s in the form of telegram communities. The people who sent telegrams for others would communicate with each other as well as pass messages and form friendships across continents. Truckers had/have CB radios, another form of a virtual community, though many of them have adopted Instagram and Snapchat as a method of staying in contact with each other.

Why are virtual communities so enduring and so popular? They allow us to connect with like-minded individuals, and to meet people we’d never otherwise cross paths with. Consider joining a forum, social media group, or other virtual community focused on your interests.

This is a totally different process than scrolling on Instagram, Pinterest, or TikTok because it isn’t passive. This works best when you are actively engaging with other people. One of my favorite virtual communities is Words with Friends. I’ve never met the people I’m playing with, but we still have a great time together. A virtual social circle can be just as valuable as an in person social circle. At the very least, they definitely enhance your connections with others.

Step Nine: Volunteer and Give Back to a Bigger Social Circle or Cause

Volunteering is a bit different from taking up a new hobby because the action isn’t about personal development, but community development. It not only allows you to form a new social circle with people who share similar values, but also simultaneously contribute to a cause you believe in.

This has the added benefit of improved longevity. On the Island of Okinawa, there is a concept called, yuimaru, which means roughly the “circle of people”. It’s an essential aspect of Okinawan life and basically means that we should take care of each other. This investment in the community, in the people around us no matter the depth of our relationships, in the concept of shared humanity is believed by experts to be deeply connected to why most Okinawans live past the 100 year mark.

And it all comes back to the concept of volunteerism and a strong social circle focused on community good. It is about shared values and the satisfaction and peace that comes from working toward the common good. In short, engaging in charitable activities fosters a sense of community, creates meaningful connections, and promotes a long and healthy life.

Step Ten: Focus on Personal Growth

While rebuilding a social circle or experiencing social upheaval, try to prioritize personal growth. Invest time in self-improvement, wether it’s learning a new skill, pursuing education or working on your mental and physical well-being. A great option is to start a new workout routine.

Or set a new fitness goal (mine is to ride 200 miles on my bicycle over the course of this summer). You can also challenge yourself to read a certain number of books or take a free course through Yale. Sometimes we refer to this as “staying in my lane”. Basically, a focus on personal development can attract positive relationships into your life.

Step Eleven: Be Patient and Persistent

Building a new social circle takes time and persistence. Honestly, other people are a great source of comfort and support, but they can also be exhausting. Be patient with the process and celebrate small victories along the way. Let yourself feel what you need to feel as you process the situation at its different stages.

Take a break from other people when you need to and trust that time heals many things, or at least gives us the perspective to carry new knowledge and realities. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and meaningful connections often require time to develop. And you will need time to heal, just like you would if you were grieving anything else.

Step Twelve: Seek Professional Help if Needed

If the emotional toll becomes overwhelming or if you find it challenging to navigate the situation on your own, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. When I left the practice of law, I was giving up not only my career, but also the social circle of attorneys that I had built during my practice. And I invested in several months of therapy with a professional to help with the career change and the change in friends. It made a huge difference, and I successfully navigated the shift, though not without some heartache.

Therapists and counselors can provide great guidance and support in coping with the challenges of rebuilding a social circle or even finding new ones. They have training and expertise that a lot of us don’t have, which can give us great insight into ourselves and others. The big thing with finding a therapist is to shop around until you find one you match well with. It helps to go into it with a list of challenges and goals.

Conclusion:

Facing a collapse or challenges within a social circle is undoubtedly a daunting experience, but it’s also an opportunity for renewal. By reflecting on the situation, seeking support, and taking proactive steps, you can rebuild a social network that aligns with your values and brings joy to your life. Try to embrace the journey of self-discovery and connection and remember that your social landscape can evolve positively at any time of your life with time and effort.

Have you faced challenges like this before? What were your best coping strategies? Let me know in the comments!

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